These Hands

I’ll be the first to admit, our marriage hasn’t been easy. But not in the sense you might think.

Most couples get married on a blissful, beautiful wedding day and start their lives together. They travel, take trips, get pregnant, have a baby, and begin their families together. Maybe they have two or three children, or more. It sounds so wonderful and romantic. If this is you, please count your blessings.

Cleon and I did get married on a beautiful day and we did intend to start our lives together as most couples do. However, God had other plans for us.

We have only been open with close friends and family about our journey, but Cleon and I struggled for many years to get pregnant. We went through invasive tests, doctors appointments, blood work, conferences, support groups, and enough “Google” articles to fill a library. We educated ourselves on everything and anything related to fertility. I meditated, practiced yoga, and tried to get my body in the best shape of my life. We decided after almost a year of trying and another year of testing to pursue in-vitro fertilization (IVF) as a means to get pregnant. We didn’t know it then, but Alex would be born 9 months later.

Throughout the grueling process that is IVF, it is hard to stay positive. But Cleon was strong every step of the way, and he kept pushing us in the right direction. When decisions were difficult (and there are many difficult decisions you will encounter during in-vitro) I would get emotional, or veer off course, and he’d bring us back to the plan. He’d hold my hand after an injection, or pick me up off the floor of the bathroom when I had a hormonal meltdown. I was scared, thinking maybe it wouldn’t work…but he kept saying “It’s going to work” and “It’s going to be OK.” I always wondered how he stayed positive, but I think he did it for me. He didn’t want me to be discouraged, even if he was unsure himself.

I think back on the day where we knew things had gone well, and we would get a chance at a baby. This was such a happy day. After trying for over 2 years, we finally had hope again.

January 31, 2016 (the day we transferred Alex as a 5-day old embryo)

In-vitro, or IVF, is not often talked about. And I am here to tell you, it is brutal. Throughout the first month of the process, I injected myself over 40 times in the stomach. I learned how to mix medications and draw the medicine into a syringe. I learned how to properly clean an area, and the right angle to hold the needle so it would hurt a little less. The area in the kitchen that used to have dishes and soap now held gauze pads, alcohol swabs and bandaids as I prepared my injections each morning and night. Cleon went through two surgeries. I had multiple medical procedures done. We supported one another the best way we knew how, but these were unchartered waters. Sometimes we were flailing, and sometimes we were drowning. But, eventually, somehow we swam to the top. You get one step closer to your goal, and it gets a little bit easier to breathe. This quote kept me going the whole time: “You may not be there yet, but you are closer than you were yesterday.”

If you or your husband, sister, brother, friend, etc is going through this, please ask them about it. Ask what you can do to help them. We went through the process with a very small network of support, and while they all did absolutely everything they could, it is a lonely place. Please don’t hide it from those who love you. These struggles shape you into who you are, and the people who love you want to be there for you.

Some people may think that couples who have trouble conceiving are to “blame” for something like this. I will be the first to tell you, infertility is a disease. It affects 1 in 8 couples and there’s a good chance someone you know, right now, is going through it. It is NOT their fault. National Infertility Awareness Week is soon, April 23 thru 29th. Each year it comes and goes and I am silent… I don’t say anything because I’m scared. Scared of what people might think, or say. But I’m done being scared and silent. How can I help others going through this if I don’t speak up and offer my support? This is me, and this is all of me…and I want to be there for you if you are going through this now.

To all my infertility sisters – you all are rock stars <3 You are incredible, and I’m so glad I know each and every one of you.

Flash forward 9 months later, and our beautiful baby was born…8 days late, all 8 lbs 2 oz of the most amazing thing I’d ever seen. Dark hair, blue eyes. His adorable little cry pierced the silence as we waited in anticipation during his c-section. There are so many memories from that moment that will stay with me forever.  It makes everything so worth it, to see his huge, gummy smile and how much he loves us. This was one of the best days of our lives.

When we first found out about Alex’s sickness, I was mad at God, I’ll be honest. I cried…and cried. I didn’t know I had that many tears to cry. “Why??” popped into my head more than I care to admit. After I went through some of the stages of grief, I was able to focus on what we could control, and that was when I told everyone to pray. Pray BIG prayers I asked – prayers for healing for baby Alex, and prayers for strength for Cleon and I. I am still praying and keeping my faith. To Trust that God has Alex in his hands.

Alex is getting better. He is smiling again. He is batting at toys and two teeth are coming in and he’s putting everything in his mouth. He is a typical 5 month old baby. I know in my mama heart that Alex fought so incredibly hard to get here, and he’s going to keep fighting through this and surprise us all.

The last four years of our marriage have not been easy. We’ve been through more than some couples go through in ten or twenty years. When I think about how we kept it together, how we continued to function, how we survived IVF, how we both kept working full-time, how we bought a house, and built a home for Alex…and how we somehow managed through the last month of complete hell. God has helped us through so much, and I will forever be grateful for His path and His love that has shown us how to get here.

I also realize Cleon has been our rock, and I want everyone to know it. He is so humble and reserved – he is the LAST person to look for praise or recognition. He’s made us strong, and he found a way to make me laugh almost daily (one of the things I love most about Cleon). And all of this…it’s set us up to appreciate all the good things that are coming our way. It’s made us hopeful that Alex has a bright, happy future, and that Cleon and I can provide a solid marriage and a good example to our son.

The following words were read by our preacher almost 4 years ago on that beautiful wedding day. These words are even truer today than they were four years ago, I just didn’t know it yet.