“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
-Psalm 139:13-14
*
I was running late to work. In fact, I am running late almost everywhere these days. Life is chaotic at best, and usually once we’re home, it’s a little easier to manage. But to get out of the house – whew, it’s still a small feat.
Mondays are the worst. I laugh at the bag lady I have become. I have no less than 7 bags when I leave the house on a Monday. One recent Monday, I was running particularly behind as I could not find anything I needed. Alex was getting fussy so I decided to nurse him before leaving the house. This is extremely special these days, since most of the work week I spend pumping and only rarely get to nurse him in the mornings/evenings.
I sat down on the couch and told myself to slow down. If I’m late…I’m late. Sometimes, we really can only do the best we can. Being a working + breastfeeding mom of an infant, well, there’s only so many hours in the day.
It just so happened that when I sat down, the Bible that was given to us at the children’s hospital lay next to me. I decided to open the Bible…something told me, go ahead. Open it. I only had a few minutes and I remembered that the Psalms were always helpful, so I opened to them.
I read the passage below:
“Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there…if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast…
For you created my inmost being: you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful…I know that full well.”
I cried. Of course. On this messy, crazy, lonely Monday, I sat on my couch and cried as a nursed my baby.
*
A few days later, Mother’s Day was approaching. A card arrived in the mail from my friend at work. It was a Mother’s Day card…to celebrate my first mother’s day. Inside was a beautiful note written by my co-worker. I wondered why she had not given to me at work, but after reading it, with tears streaming down my face, I realized she did not want me to experience this moment at work. It was meant for my home, to be read while holding Alex, surrounded by the love and warmth of my husband and son. Inside she wrote the saying:
“For you created my inmost being: you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful…I know that full well.”
*
During the time Alex was in the hospital, there were a few people I was able to reach out to that knew what I was going through. One of these people had actually lived through the diagnosis Alex was given. She listened while I went through what the doctors were saying, our next course of treatment, and the pain I felt for my son. She knew another working mother who had been through something like this, too. The three of us had a connection.
This “friend of a friend” ending up reaching out later in a card in the mail. Someone I had never met. Someone who knew my pain. Who knew that life, sometimes, isn’t as easy as we want it to be. And I talked with her over text on the phone. I requested her friendship on Facebook, and on her Facebook page, the following saying was on a previous post:
“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
-Psalm 139:13-14
*
Three times. In three different ways. In one week. It’s not a coincidence. I know in my heart God is sending me a message.
So many times I’ve wondered why something happened to Alex. If the struggles we face will ever go away. Why, after trying for so long, I didn’t get the fairy tale ending. But after weeks like last week, it puts things in perspective. God has a way of doing that.
I did get the fairy tale.
Alex is perfect. God created Alex exactly as he should be. He knit Alex together in my womb, and he is wonderfully made.
One of the doctors that treats Alex has has told us that the next few years for Alex will be a marathon, not a sprint. There will be easy days, and there will be hard days. This is not going to be a one & done type of process. There are many days that Cleon and I sit in the doctors office and I cry on his shoulder. So many days we don’t even tell people about, as I stare out the same doctor’s window and think about his future. It gets too hard to tell people we are going in for another appointment, only to relay news that is disheartening. There are days when we think things are better, and then they aren’t. Days when we pray and pray and pray, and still get bad news.
I’ve never in my life not been in control of something that I’ve wanted to control so desperately.
So I pray.
I pray for God to give Cleon and me the strength to keep fighting. To keep trying. To keep doing the best we can in these circumstances, and do EVERYTHING we can to help Alex. I pray he keeps his arms around Alex and gives him the strength, will and determination to keep fighting, too.
We are in this with Alex, and we will be strong for him. We will carry him, and each other, through the good and bad and everything in between. Because he is my son. Because he is a child of God.
Because he is wonderfully made.
I know that full well.