The night before the anniversary of Alex’s diagnosis, I had been feeling twinges of grief and sadness, but nothing overpowering. The memories from the past year were there, but I tried to keep myself busy and push them away. After a long day, I snuggled my baby and put him to bed and went to sleep myself.
I woke up in the darkness of the night and remembered the most vivid dream.
I had lost Alex.
I was at a house and there were people there, but suddenly, I didn’t know where Alex was. I searched all over the house, up the stairs, in bedrooms, outside in the pool (we don’t even have a pool), and all over the yard. I remember yelling at people asking where he was and asking why no one was watching him. Everyone seemed to look at me and be confused as to what I was asking. Was I not making any sense? I frantically ran everywhere and was desperate to find him. I can still feel the desperation in my body when I think about the dream.
Then, I remember being dragged away from the backyard as if they didn’t want me to find something, and there on the ground was a fresh patch of dirt and a small grave site with tiny stones.
I woke up from the nightmare, breathless and confused, and went to my baby’s room, his chest rising and falling as he slept soundly in his crib.
*
The next day, I was reading Proverbs 31. The woman that shared her story for the day, Tracie Miles, explained that she had also had a dream. She explained that her dream was her waking emotions playing out in her sleeping subconscious.
I knew I was meant to read her excerpt that day. My biggest fear from the entire past year, played out in my dreams and my sleeping subconscious, has been my fear of losing Alex. It all makes sense now. Everything we’ve done, everywhere we’ve gone…it’s all been about keeping him safe, and nothing else has mattered.
Have you been dealing with a fear, too – something that you can’t seem to shake? Fear of failure? Of heartbreak? Of change? Do these fears manifest themselves into your dreams at night?
In her article, Tracie explained how God can restore what’s been broken and lost. She wrote, “Total surrender and faithfulness will always open the door for God’s restoration to begin.”
I want so badly to let go of the past – I even tried to in my break up letter. I want to fully lay this past year at His feet and walk away, trusting that He will restore all that’s been broken and lost. But how? I know I need to trust in Him and not fear.
Looking back, most of the past year I’ve operated defensively, not offensively. I’ve been positioning chess pieces in my way to block my family from having to endure any further sadness, pain, or difficulty.
But constantly playing defense is hard and frankly, it’s flat-out exhausting. At some point, you have to play offensively, too.
So I ask, how do you give your troubles and your sorrows to Him, and trust that the brokenness will be restored? How do you live your life offensively, knowing that there could be more pain around the corner, but you open your arms wide anyway to all that God has in store?
My hope is that He hears my wishes, and I pray that he can restore what’s been lost.
“The LORD is near to the brokenhearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” -Psalm 34:18