For the last few years, doctors’ offices have become our second home. Whether we were there for infertility procedures, monitoring, consults with nurses, IVF check ups, pregnancy ultrasounds, non-stress tests, delivery, visits for our son, therapies, or overnight stays at the hospital, I’ve literally felt my body absorb the medical smell of a sterile facility and radiate it from my pores.
Fear.
That’s what you’re really smelling in hospitals.
It’s the main feeling that I associate with doctors’ offices, and if you’ve been there, too – whether you’ve undergone infertility treatments or the diagnosis of a child, or both – you know what I mean. It’s palpable. You walk through the entrance, and you can almost feel like everyone is holding their breath. Every person is inside for a reason, and you know it. You look for the quickest way out.
Fear seems to be lurking around every corner. Down the halls. Through the operating rooms. It’s wafting through nurses stations, the cafeteria, the chapel, and behind every closed door.
If you’re one of the lucky ones who have only been to a Children’s Hospital for a tongue tie or broken bone, or you’ve never had to step foot into a reproductive medicine clinic, you still know it. You’ve seen the parents who look like they live there. You feel sorry for them, but deep down, a little part of you is so grateful it’s not you. You want to help, but you’d rather escape as quickly as possible and not go back for a long, long time.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been the parent holding her breath. The one that you look at as you receive your discharge papers to take your child home. The one who looks like they haven’t slept in months and the one you feel sorry for as you walk out the door.
There are so many of us – every day. The warrior parents. The ones who go through what most would never dream of. Who have to see their child(ren) suffer. The ones who hold tiny hands before procedures. The ones who dry tear-stained cheeks. The ones who get up each day ready for battle – who put on sweatpants and throw their hair up and get ready for another doctor to tell them what their child will “never” do.
I know. I am you.
And I know it’s really, really hard. It sucks the life out of you. At some point, it starts to feel like an alternate reality (or a new reality) I’m not really sure which. You become the shell of the person that you were, wondering if God will be gracious enough to breathe a little life back into you eventually. You become bitter, angry, and one day you’ll look in the mirror and wonder if the person staring back at you is really you.
That’s the day it happens.
The day you say – OK God, I’ve had enough. The day you stop letting fear drive your decisions and you let love drive them instead. The day you turn things over to Him, because you just can’t do it anymore on your own.
It took me a while to get there – probably over a year. And I finally threw my hands up and said, “God. I’m tired. I’m weary. I’m fearful all the time. I need to live again. Please show me the way.”
Have you ever thought this? Can you relate?
As soon as I did this, God began to light my way. It was as if I realized that it’s simply not possible to do this on my own.
The thing is, though, you were never meant to do all of this on your own.
Fear will drive you down the wrong path. Stop letting it lead you further and further into the woods of despair. Make a U-turn. Forge a new path. If you can’t, if you’re too tired and weak, take one small step in a different direction. Go left instead of right. I don’t care if it’s the smallest of baby steps, but allow this step to be a step towards love, not fear. A step towards God. A step towards hope.
The next time you hear the fear creeping in – whether it’s through doubt, frustration, or just exhaustion – that’s the time. Pay attention to it when you realize it. Then push the fear aside, and give it to God. Whatever it is that is draining you. Whatever it is that keeps you up at night.
Give it to Him.
Then sit back and watch what happens.
Isaiah 41:10 “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
Philippians 4:13: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”