Stroke is not a joke

My heart skipped a beat…did I really just hear that correctly?

I was sitting in church, of all places. Cleon and I have struggled to find a home church in Hampton Roads. I was finally at a local community church that had rave reviews, and I already felt at home. The people were friendly. There was a coffee shop when I entered. Folks greeted me and waved and smiled. I knew they had life groups with other young couples. Was this really it? Had I found our home church?

The sermon began with the pastor talking about his recent visit to Rome. He spoke about his adventures and touring the city with his wife. Then, irrelevant to anything important, he shared a photo with another man they had met along their trip. Neither his wife, nor the pastor, could even remember the man’s name. I am not even sure why the picture was shared, except for the fact that they were making funny faces together in the photo and I believe, now, that he shared it to simply make a joke. The man’s face was tilted and sort of droopy on one side, in a sideways smirk. You could tell the two men were enjoying each other’s company, laughing together and being silly for the photo.

The pastor remarked, “Unfortunately, right before we left, that man had a stroke.”

There was a pause…

“Just kidding!” he laughed, and the congregation followed.

I froze.

Did this pastor just make a joke about a man having a stroke? Seriously? Because half of the man’s face was droopy as he smirked for the photo?

Before you start thinking that maybe I’m too sensitive, let me ask you…what if the joke was rephrased about cancer, or a heart attack, or any number of other conditions that one of your loved ones may have suffered?

“Unfortunately, right before we left, that man had cancer and died…

Just kidding!”

Is it still funny?

What makes this even worse is that I know I am not the only member of that congregation today that has been affected by stroke. Someone else in that 11 am service today felt the same twinge I felt. The same gasp for breath. The same hurt, and pain, and confusion. That same gut-wrenching feeling of surprise and humiliation and shock.

I know they felt it too – like someone sucked all the air out of them.

Stroke is not a joke. Neither is epilepsy, or cerebral palsy, or the appointments or therapies or the numerous sleepless nights we’ve had worried about the future of our child. Here I was, searching for a church, a place of Christ. A place of community, acceptance, hope and love. A place, after two years of struggling, that I’ve longed to find. And right there, in the middle of this building that was supposed to be filled with God’s love, my son was the punch line of a joke.

Ya’ll, this is not OK. Recently, my sorority sister posted the same sentiment in a private Facebook group. Her son, also, has suffered a stroke. Her family, also, has been through the unimaginable. Yet she, too, has experienced hurtful comments and remarks from others about stroke. She, too, has felt the sadness and deep pain of these remarks. You should have seen the posts from other parents who have also experienced these comments from family members, friends, acquaintances, and others in passing, or accidentally, or even on purpose.

In what universe does someone having a speech impediment, drooping face, disabilities or differences warrant a joke to be made about them? You know those t-shirts everyone is wearing that say “be kind” – well, there’s a reason. It’s because there are people out there who don’t get it. People out there that maybe have never experienced a loved one suffer from disease, illness, or even die. And while that is quite lucky for them, you would think, in this day and age, we all could at least have a little empathy for those that are suffering and for those who have been down a difficult road. You would at least expect that from your church.

I thought my difficult road was ending after infertility. I thought that was my “difficult journey.” It is hard to even put into words what the last two years of our lives have been like, but infertility was simply the beginning of our road.

I’m so very saddened by what happened today. A church that felt so welcoming at first quickly felt like a place I wanted to run away from and never go back.

However, I did not run away. I stayed through the entire service. Even though every ounce of my being wanted to get up, take my belongings and publicly leave right in the middle of his grand speech, I didn’t. I waited. I waited for the Lord to help me forgive him. I waited because I know God works in mysterious ways and I just wanted to give myself a second to trust Him.

Upon leaving, a man stopped me, most likely because he knew I was new to the church. He asked if he could help me.

“Yes. Maybe you can…” I said.

“I don’t know how well you know that man in there…the senior pastor,” I stammered.

“Quite well,” he said. “I’m the executive pastor.”

From that comment, I assumed this was his church. I assumed this man, standing before me, was in charge. So I pulled out my phone.

Calmly, I showed him a picture of Alex.

“This is Alex,” I said. “This is my son. And my son had a stroke…” The tears began falling then.

He looked at me, with eyes that were both horrified and understanding all at once.

He said,” And the comment made this morning about the stroke…”

“Yes,” I interrupted. “Yes.”

I went on to explain what our family had been through, what the last two years of our lives had been like. I told him about Alex’s surgery.

“I’m so sorry,” was his only response.

“Me too,” I said. “I’m sorry this was a church I felt drawn to, called to attend, even, and now I leave heartbroken.”

In that moment, I turned and left. No one followed me. I was the first person out of that church and could barely breathe as I made my way to my car.

I would have felt worse had I not used this opportunity to educate and to let this man know that the comment made was NOT OK.

I don’t know if he will ever fully understand. I don’t know if maybe he will hear from other congregation members as well who share their stories about their experiences with stroke. However, I would have regretted not taking a moment and standing up for my son, and for all pediatric stroke and adult stroke warriors out there, to let someone know about the hurtful comment made before God in church today. If our pastors are making these comments, is there a chance someone you know is making them, too? Your husband, your child, your neighbor, your co-worker, perhaps, even, you?

And if you do hear the joke, are you standing up for those who can’t speak for themselves at that moment?

Stroke is not a joke. Please, don’t make stroke the punch line of your joke. Not today, not any day.

1 Samuel 16:7 –But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature…For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”